I’m not saying Santa is bad. Just be on your toes… I’m not saying Santa is bad. Just be on your toes…

1. Despite the fact that no one has ever seen the OG Santa, we just assume he’s a dude. This is sexist and creates gender stereotypes, and will upset Twitter.
2. Santa is an advocate for poor health. Most households leave out cookies or cake. By the time Santa services the eastern seaboard, his calorie intake will be through the roof.
3. Santa is an advocate for drink driving. Most households leave out brandy, whiskey, eggnog or beer as a treat. By the time Santa services the eastern seaboard, he would be that shitfaced that the accuracy of gift allocation would be a shambles. God only knows what the kids in Perth receive.
4. You wouldn’t trust your kids with a random man at the shops, but for some reason if he’s in a Santa suit, he’s all good. And just on that, how often do you expect that his suit has been dry-cleaned? Ever?
5. Santa’s vehicle of choice is a sled (which evidently is loaded above capacity) powered by reindeer which are an invasive pest in Australia. They are also a protected species, so using them as a means of transport is completely inappropriate.
6. Santa only recruits little people. This is heightist.
7. He sees you when you’re sleeping. There are laws protecting us against this kind of behaviour.
8. Given that most of us these days no longer have chimneys, how exactly is Santa getting into our houses?
9. Speaking of breaking into our houses, why are we so at ease at the concept of an old rotund being breaking into houses and leaving behind one of their stockings? What on Earth?!
10. Santa is an ambassador for Coca-Cola. Given that Coca-Cola has provided the world with little more than universal tooth decay and unhealthy blood sugar levels (and the occasional great TV ad), we should be significantly more coy on Santa’s agenda and Real Magic^®.
11. In the Northern Territory during December, evening temperatures hover around 30 degrees Celsius. After servicing the fifty-one and a half thousand families in the NT, anyone dressed in a huge overcoat, thick socks, and beanie would be near fatally dehydrated not to mention having immense challenges with hygiene.
12. Santa is a vessel for disappointment, inconsistency, and self-esteem issues. Child A is well-behaved and requests an iPad from Santa. Santa delivers crayons. Child B is not well-behaved and also requests an iPad from Santa. This time Santa delivers the iPad AND crayons. Lost and disillusioned, Child A spends the next 30 years trying to rationalise this injustice, crippling any possibility of them finding happiness or true love.

Merry Christmas everyone.