12 Updated Santa Facts You Need to Know

  1. Santa retired his reindeers in the late 90s. They’d been on the job since the 1930s as part of a Coca-Cola sponsored freight program and now spend their days managing their insulin levels and playing Euchre. To circumnavigate the Earth, Santa now uses a fleet of rescue greyhounds.
  2. Upon retiring the reindeers, their names were also retired. The greyhound’s names are Brett, Daniel, Denise, Brian, Darryl, Trent, Beverly, Charmaine, and Wyatt. Wyatt is the new Rudolph and is a bit of a smart ass.
  3. Given that most modern dwellings no longer have chimneys, Santa now enters houses/apartments via the air-conditioning condenser. Santa utilises Antman technology to do so. For dwellings without aircon or chimneys, Santa leaves the gifts by the caravan door.
  4. Santa’s hair is not white because of age, but rather, due to being repeatedly struck by lightning. In fact, it happens so frequently that the elves call Santa “Rodney”.
  5. Santa is gender neutral. Technically Santa is more alien than human and does not possess genitalia of any denomination. Like scientologists.
  6. Despite the tradition of leaving out milk, cookies, beer, cigars, and various other treats on the night of Christmas eve, Santa’s preference is an Acai Bowl and an UP&GO.
  7. Santa doesn’t speak any specific language. He uses the shining to communicate with the elves and greyhounds.
  8. Santa is allowed to enter W.A.
  9. Historically, Santa gave misbehaving children a lump of coal in their Christmas stocking instead of toys or fun things. However, in line with climate change science, misbehaving children now receive malfunctioning solar panels.
  10. Despite the abundance of evidence suggesting otherwise, Krampus, the bad Santa, is not Clive Palmer.
  11. Santa’s Special Forces training ensures that emotions and logic remain stable and consistent throughout the household delivery schedule. The only time Santa gets emotional is when visiting Australian households that are connected with fibre-to-the-node NBN.
  12. On the extremely rare occasions that Santa cannot make it to every child before Christmas morning, Santa works through a priority list. At the top of the list are kids who protect other kids from being bullied, and kids that protect bugs and sick animals. At the bottom of the list are children of real estate agents.

And remember: lying is bad unless a child asks you if Santa is real.

Merry Christmas everyone.